Q. Jessica, I’ve kind of set aside the notion of dating and finding “Mr. Right”, so to speak because I feel as though all of the men I seem to meet are not up to my standards. I’m not sure if it’s just me being extremely picky, or mabye I just watch the news too much and see the stories of men killing their wives or children. I’ve talked to other single parents and we all seem to be in agreement. Is it ok to be so “picky”?
A. Being “picky” is being SMART! As long as you are not living in fear, you should be picky! Unfortunately the 21rst Century Buffet-Style Single has until now had a very temporal mindset. Those who are “picky”, are in it for the long-haul, thinking life-time marriage, instead of one-night fling.
People who are single, and choose to remain single until the “perfect” person comes a long, are people who have something to lose. For example a single-parent. If you have a child, you had better be “picky”! That child doesn’t just need any old Step-Mother or Father, they need you to the power of 2! In other words, they are going to need to be raised by someone who loves, encourages, motivates, and desires their happiness just as much- if not more than you do! Being smart, picky, and fear-free is exactly where you should be.
“People tend to be picker about what they eat, than who they date!”
Praying for a Vision, Jeff’s Story
At the end of his rope, and having completely surrendered to God for a mate, Jeff had given up on finding Mrs. Right. He was not interested in relationships anymore, and he had become filled emotionally and physically by Christ. The days of clubbing, and bar hopping were over, and yet he still felt like marriage was what he wanted out of his life. He had always had an image of family legacy in his heart, and was willing to cry out to God, in order to get it.
Approximately six months after Jeff had committed to following Christ, complete with reading his Bible and going to church (a complete dedication), Jeff read this scripture:
“And the LORD answered me, and said, Write the vision, and make [it] plain upon tables, that he may run that readeth it.” Hab 2:2
That was the scripture that he had been waiting for! Immediately, he went into prayer and asked God to give him the picture of the wife that God had envisioned for him. What should she look like, what kind of family should she be from? As if God had been waiting for him to have this AHA!-moment, the Lord began revealing to Jeff things, from physical appearance to specific attributes and characteristics!
“What is the picture outlined on your list, are you willing to wait?”
Brief Excerpt from Jeff’s List
- 5’6″ Tall
- Nice longish hair
- Blue eyes
- Raised in a great family
- Stronger in her faith than I am
- Raised by a stay at home mom
- Will support me in my businesses
- Has had a successful father
36 things later, Jeff had a very detailed and well organized list. It went beyond anything that he could make-up on his own. After months of Bible Study and Church going, the Lord had revealed to him what a wife should look like. The physical characteristics like looks, where what he had desired and that was ok. Being blonde, or blue eyed, even tallish was what Jeff had naturally been attracted to and that was what God had placed in his heart.
Now drawing upon Habakkuk 2:2, Jeff took his very “picky” list of his future wife and placed it under the glass in his desk-top. He prayed daily over the list and narrowed his sights completely from anyone else that did not fit the picture found “on the list”. Was he missing out on opportunities? No. He was waiting for “the one”.
Having that list in front of his eyes daily, kept him focused when he continued to life his life. Going out to dinner with friends, golfing, bowling, socializing, etc. His list was written as if in stone and kept in front of him daily. The more he looked at it, the more convinced and excited he became! Then came that “fateful” day in March…
“Hey bud, we are going out! I just got off the phone, and the girls are going out for ice cream.” Ash, one of Jeff’s friends said over the phone.
“No way man, I am beat!” Jeff responded
“Buddy, you gotta come!”
“I have worked all day, I am tired, (I have been meditating for two weeks on Mrs. Right) and all I want to do is go to bed!” Jeff protested.
“Seriously Jeff, you have got to come! There is this new girl coming in from out of town- and she is the kind of girl YOU would marry!“
Intrigued, Jeff went on the group date of his life, and three months later he was married! Fifteen years later, he has five kids and that vision of legacy has completely become manifested. How many items was this girl, out of 36? 36! Upon meeting me at the coffee and ice-cream shop, within a day Jeff had decided he had met his “dream girl” and upon the complete mental check-list of 36 out of 36, the decision was an easy one to make! (Yes, we still have the list!)
An Inside Joke
Jeff and I have an inside joke we tell when we feel silly or sappy, whenever he asks me, “How did I end up so lucky to have a girl like you?” I always respond, “Simple baby, I didn’t have a list!”
I am glad that I didn’t! At the time, I don’t know if I could have been as detailed as Jeff in drawing him out on paper. I had not spent as much time in the Word, finding the character of a Godly-Husband as he had in finding a wife. I would have probably had a very shallow list like, “rich, handsome, tall, etc” all surface qualities. I know I would have never gone into the depth of husbandry, as Jeff did and because he did, he knew all the right questions to ask! So, how picky are you? Are you willing to wait forever to find all of the wife/husband qualities in a future spouse? Do you even know what a Godly-Spouses characteristics should be?
Today’s Key Takeaway’s:
- You can never be “too picky” when it comes to marriage, marriage is forever, it is love that is a choice.
- It took Jeff time to assemble the working knowledge of the picture of a spouse, but once he had it, he never let that image fade from his heart.
- Even though Jeff didn’t want to go out the night he met me, God sent him someone to take him out. When you are faithful to God, it is in His desire to bless you, even if it means He has to send someone to drag you out of your house! You won’t/can’t miss out on God’s best!
What Can You Do?
First off what you need, if your desire is to be married is to have a picture in your mind of what a Godly-Spouse is supposed to look like. Spend time in your Bible in the topical section reading under such topics as “marriage, wife, husband, mother, father”. Proverbs 31 is an excellent place to start, it is not just a picture of a Godly-“wife”, it is a portrait of a whole and completed person. Wisdom in scripture is referred to as a “she/woman”, and Proverbs 31 is a book in the Bible perfectly describing a “wise and fulfilled” human being.
Secondly, when you begin to feel confident enough to make your own list, pray that God would show you who it is you should be looking for. Be as detailed as possible. Write down everything that you can think of and then put it where you can see it daily. Do not get discouraged, in the case of Jeff and I, I was over 700 miles away from him and at the perfect time God had sent me an airplane ticket and within just two weeks, we had met! God is in the details! Keep the faith!
Father God, be with your children and love them unconditionally. Show them that it is not just ok to be “picky” it is necessary! Reveal to them what they need to do to have the right picture in their minds to meditate on for their future spouses. Give them the courage that they need to not just live a “settled-for” life, but encourage them to wait it out for the perfected person that You have for them. Give them everything that they need in order to be scripturally equipped for marriage and the future. Show them through this testimony that they can wait, stop looking, and You will bring them the man or woman of their dreams! In Your Son Jesus’ name AMEN!
God Bless you Friends,
Thank you for reading this Whole & Heavenly Series for Singles. You can subscribe to these articles via email here @: http://feeds.feedburner.com/WholeheartedMinistries
You can become a fan of Wholehearted Ministries on Facebook @: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Wholehearted-Ministries/75471627683
You can follow Jessica on Twitter @: http://twitter.com/imwholehearted
You can send your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org