Q. Jessica, I really love my fiance, and we are going to get married. The only problem is that I feel like I am suffocating, she seems to want 100% of me all the time, and I don’t know what to do… is this a problem or am I just having “cold feet”?
A. Anytime that anyone wants more than you can give, you have a problem! Whether it is a child, a girlfriend, a boss, a parent, or even a spouse. People who are “needy” are people with needs! While your fiance might be extracting more from you than you feel you can give, if you love her, and the Lord has shown you that she is the one for you to marry, there are some things that you can do.
“A needy person has yet to put God first place in their lives, and are looking to you to complete them.”
And Jesus Healed Them All
In Matt 12:15, there are found five of some of the most important words in the entire Bible, “and He healed them all.” That was it period, the Bible says that all of those who were hurt or sick, if they were touched by Jesus in some way, they were all healed- every single one of them!
In the case of people who are emotionally needy and consistently going to you for everything, you need to understand that they have yet to be touched by Jesus in a personal way in order to be “healed, restored and completed” by Him. They either have not completely surrendered, or perhaps do not have the Biblical knowledge that it is God who they should be going to for their every need.
It is our Christian responsibility to minister Christ to all the needy (even your fiance), and help guide them in the understanding that even though we as individuals might be “spiritual”, we ARE NOT God, and since we are not God there is nothing that we can do as human beings to completely fill the void and emptiness of their hearts.
So there tends to be a disconnect between the needy and the completed, and that is; that needy people need, and whole people who are without need, tend to push them away! This can be a never-ending cycle! Someone has a need, and those who do not see the “big picture”, push them away out of pure exhaustion! Guess what, you “givers” have needs to! You need to be filled up!
“If your relationship has put you in the position of god to your intended, you have a recipe for relationship failure.”
When Push Comes to Shove
So when push comes to shove, do you run away or do you stay? Please recognize that the person that you are with needs Jesus, but you can help them come to this revelation on their own. How? Well, it will take work, but if you are up to the task and complete it, you will have built a relationship on a solid foundation and you will have developed a new best-friend!
In all reality, I know that not all people can go off and “get-married” immediately. Planning, families and cultures give us some challenges to overcome. Remaining faithful to God and each other while you wait for the honeymoon night, can be just as difficult. So the answer that I have to you my friend, to over come “cold feet”, is to get involved! Don’t “push away” those who are “needy”… become active in life, and in your faith!
Somethings That You Can Do As You Pass The Time…
- Put God’s Word first place in YOUR heart. Start a Bible Study of your own. A morning faith period just for you to be able to carry out your day and your obligations to minister to your loved ones.
- Join a Bible Study, Life Group, or Small Group that is active in its community. Find a group where you can go out and “do the stuff” of Christianity. Groups where you just sit and study, are not necessarily going to encourage your future spouse to “get out of their own head”. Get busy!
- Discover what your “needy” significant other has always dreamed to do… write books, be around children, sing songs, go to college, learn a new activity? Encourage them to become the person that they always dreamed of becoming, do not let your own fear of losing them turn you into their ONLY source of support! This is your best-friend, encourage them to be all that God has desired for them to be!
- Get involved in their lives, find out more about all that they do. Pay them MORE attention than normal. I once heard Pastor Creflo Dollar say that when he asks his wife if he can “Go out with the boys”, and she says, “Sure!” He has been doing it right! If there is hesitation or resistance when he asks, well, obviously he hasn’t been ministering to his wife- long enough.
- Understand that in marriage, there will be periods in which you are stronger in your faith then your spouse. This “nearly married” life preempting your marriage is a great time to challenge you to the reality of relationships. As you get your needs are met from Christ, you will have plenty left for your spouse. If it is TV, sports, friends, or your job that is doing all of the filling… your ability to minister to your “needy” loved ones will be severely impacted. That time in the Word will fill you, so that you can be able to lead others – including your fiance- to Christ. This is why not having sex before marriage is so important! Your fiance never will stop going to you as her god, if you keep having sex with her! Therefore, you must be STRONGER in your own faith to overcome the physical temptation to continue having sex before marriage. You are exemplifying Christ-in-action for her, and as you show her that Christ FILLS EVERY ONE of your needs (even physically), her needs can be met by Him as well! Do not worry, if she is the one for you to be married to, she will not “leave you” for Christ, she will respect you and be indebted to you for introducing her to The Lover of Her Soul!
Today’s Key Takeaway’s:
- Needy people have needs, and all people are needy.
- If your fiance/girlfriend is clinging to you, did you design it that way? Or are you pointing them to God to fill their needs? We must begin to put Christ #1.
- Ministering to our loved ones, is only possible if we minster to God in fellowship one-on-one, and allow God to minister His Word back to us. We can not give what we do not have!
- It is impossible for your fiance to go to God to have all of her needs met, as long as you two are sleeping together. If you go to her to have your physical needs met, you are speaking to her that Christ can not meet EVERY need, for EVERY situation.
“In relationships two halves DO NOT make a whole, but two wholes ALWAYS equal a POWER COUPLE!”
What Can You Do?
If you are ready to be married, and God has showed you that the person you are with is “the one”, now it is simply a waiting time till the big day, ENJOY each others company! Go out to eat, get involved in the community, stay focused on the Word of God and use this time to minister to each other His Word. Invite God in as the “third wheel”, but intend to treat Him as first! Take Him everywhere the two of you go, mentally understanding and agreeing to look at each other as if Christ is right there with you, because in all reality… He is!
Father God, encourage all who read this to go directly TO YOU. Remind them that You are all that they will ever need, fill them up to overflowing so that they can begin to be depositors of You to others. If there is anyone who is reading this, and feels as if they are suffocating or “stuck” Father God, show them that You can fill them up to overflowing and minister to them how exactly best they can begin to minister to their own loved ones. Needy people need You God, show us today how we can exemplify You in all that we do! Renew our strength! Thank You Father, You are our everything and we desire for You to be FIRST place in our lives! In Your Son Jesus’ Name, AMEN!
God Bless you my friends,
Thank you for reading this Whole & Heavenly Series for Singles.
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