Hear this, all [ye] people; give ear, all [ye] inhabitants of the world: Both low and high, rich and poor, together. My mouth shall speak of wisdom; and the meditation of my heart [shall be] of understanding. Psalm 49:1-3
LISTENING TO GOD
Learning how to listen to God is like fine tuning an instrument. Fine tuning doesn’t just happen, and fine tuned instruments don’t stay in perfect pitch for long. The most recent word that I received from God, and that I am working on is finishing the book that God gave me to write nearly two years ago. This has taken from me a fine tuned ear in order to hear. The word from the Lord for me, is to have it finished in final edit by May 28, 2011. I know that with God all things are possible, however this still remains a challenge.
I feel compelled today, to tell you a little more about myself. As a mother of five, I work daily to make sure that next to my husband and his needs, my children are my number 1 priority. Our thirteen year old is learning algebra and integers in his mathematic studies. Our ten year old made me breakfast for on Mother’s Day and loves to skateboard and play music. Our daughter is eight, and as I never pushed her to learn how to ride a bike- this last week she decided to start ridding! She just picked it up and WENT! We are all very proud of her. Our four year old and three year old babies are just like twins! They are the best of friends and constantly ask for each other, wondering where the other one is at!
It is a busy life, being a wife and mother. There is no shortage to the work and the possibilities of what needs to be done. That is why learning how to listen to God and His direction has become so important to me. When a child comes to me with a boo boo, or when my husband comes to me with a complex situation, being able to lean on God for guidance and press into His Word for my reaction has saved me from drowning in uncertainty many many times!
From our Ministry Fundraiser, June of 2008
MY HUSBAND JEFF
Next to Jesus, I give all credit my husband Jeff for me being who I have become. There is NO ONE in my life who supports me more than him. NO ONE has stayed up with me all night reading manuscripts, no one else in my adult life has wiped my forehead when I have been sick, no one else has taken the time to take my children for walks around the block (when it is past bedtime), and no one else has shared with me the vision for this Ministry – the ministry of encouraging others that it is TOTALLY possible to walk WHOLLY before God NOW. He is my dream, he was my dream, and he will BE my dream forever more!
As I was getting ready to write tonight, I prayed that God would give me a word for you. Something to encourage you, something to go with our *TIME 4 A CHANGE* series. Instead of a witty quip or a revealing word, He instructed me to share with you a part of my upcoming book: Wholehearted: How I Received Healing From the Inside Out and You Can Too!. What I will be sharing, I have never shared with anyone aside from my editors before. I certainly hope that you enjoy it!
This book took six days to write and two years to edit. In the editing process, the content barely changed but the language and the emotion certainly did. As the Ministry grew and became global, I realized that ministering to “one” person/s wasn’t thinking big enough. What needed to happen was I needed to speak from the heart, and I needed to become more emotional. No matter where you live in the world, I pray that my book will touch you and speak to you as a member of a society that nearly has forgotten completely about God and how He works.
As I began going back and forth between editors and the designer, all in all the response for the book has been positive. It is comprised of four topics:
• Who I was Before I Began Following After Christ
• How I Changed and was Spiritually Healed
• Saving My Marriage
• Happily Ever After
There are three parts to the book in which I cover these topics, and at the end of the book there is a 22-Day Challenge for both men and women who desire to be made WHOLE; spirit, mind, and body.
Here is an excerpt from Wholehearted: How I Received Healing From the Inside Out and You Can Too!, written by me… Jessica Heilman, (In order to respect the persons in my book, one of my ex-fiances is referred to as “Mr. X” and the other, “Mr. Y”)
He Said, the Other Woman’s Bra was His Cousins
One obscure night at home with my parents, the thought came to me out from out of no-where, “Why not drive up to Washington and surprise Mr. Y? I could be there in just a couple of hours.” I hadn’t planned on making the trip but for some reason I felt this overwhelming desire to jump in the car and head up to Washington to see him, I was fully energized the whole drive up.
Approaching the house it was still dark outside. The sun had not yet risen, and the fog was low and all about me. I quietly got out of the car, unlocked the door and crept up the stairs. Once I got to the upstairs bedroom, I slid under the covers of our bed and fell fast asleep.
Upon waking the next morning, Y was happy to see me. He gave me a kiss on the forehead and went downstairs to eat his breakfast. I stayed in bed and slept-in, the sun was peeking through the clouds and all seemed well.
Slowly waking up and looking around the room everything seemed peaceful. My art was hung, the curtains were up and it was as normal a morning as was possible. Everything was quiet and I was well rested. Yawning, I stretched my arms out and threw my feet over the side of the bed… that is when I saw it.
“Hmm, that’s interesting.” I thought, my eyes drifting to the floor. Lying on the ground near the nightstand was a soft pink push-up bra that was not mine. In shock, I began dialoging with myself wondering how it got there. I picked up the bra, and looked at it.
“Could this be mine?” I thought to myself.
“How did it end up here?”
“Is there any other laundry around?”
“Why on earth would there be a bra next to the bed, that doesn’t belong to me?”
“I had better go find out…”
Surreally, I began walking down the stairs. In the living room I found Y sitting cross-legged on the sofa eating a bowl of cereal. The only sound to be heard in the house was his granola crunching and the Pacific Northwest rain.
As I walked closer to him, he was smiling at me and chewing at the same time, apparently oblivious to what was about to happen. I took the bra out of my grip and asked him whose it was. He looked up at me and said that he didn’t know whose it was, or how it got there. He said that it must have belonged to his cousin who was staying with us. I then asked him why was it in our room, by the bed. His response was this,
“I have nothing to explain.”
That was it. That was his answer. His answer was not to explain anything to me at all. He just sat smacking his granola, cross-legged, and smiling. Here, in my hand I had another woman’s sexy bra and when I asked him whose it was and why it was next to my nightstand, his only answer to me was, “I have nothing to explain to you, I don’t have to defend myself to you.”
Not knowing how to respond, I grabbed a nearby candlestick of mine, it was a brass sunflower. I then stormed out onto the balcony. There was this overwhelming desire to get outside and into the rain away from the situation as fast as I could. I am not sure why I grabbed onto that candlestick, but I had to grab onto something of mine for some reason.
So there I stood on a weathered wooden balcony, overlooking the pond that was in the backyard. I had a clove cigarette in my pocket and I worked at lighting it. Y sat in the living room behind the glass door. He didn’t follow, he just watched me through the glass. There I stood, all alone in the elements with a clove cigarette, a candlestick, and Lord God Almighty.
Sometimes I wonder what wholeness means to others, like the woman who suffers from being overweight, or the man who always winds up spending too much money. What would wholeness look like to them? When I was out on that balcony, I desired WHOLENESS. I had been broken for a looooong time.
I had thought that I really loved him. I had thought that he was “the one”, again. I gave him everything I had to give. I had given both X and Y everything. There were some notably good times in the two relationships. We had spent hours upon hours with each other, after all. With X, I was in High School, and we spent practically every waking moment together. With Y, in addition to spending our non-working hours together, I had always been his full time driver. I took him to work, picked him up from work, and was there to meet him for lunch whenever I could. We taught Sunday school together, we slept together, ate together, and fought often.
Fighting wasn’t as physical as it was just heated communication. He was the first person to encourage me to read books on personal development. He was masterfully cunning, and was always charismatic to a fault. He could get me to do anything he wanted. He had this uncanny way of pulling me out of myself and building me up, just to tear me down when I had made enough headway to believe in myself.
In my narrow and uneducated view, I thought that our relationship was a ‘successful’ one. I thought that as long as I was the “perfect wife”, he would naturally be the “perfect husband” (even though we were not yet legally married). I took all the abuse he gave me, and I still “loved” him, served him, and worked to please him anyway I could. Finding the bra in my room, whether he had nothing to explain or not, whether he was innocent or not, didn’t mater. How he handled the situation revealed to me that infidelity was nothing he thought I should have to be concerned about. The only problem was that I was concerned by now, I knew him too well. He wasn’t above doing anything to get what he wanted. I also knew that if he wanted another woman, he wasn’t above taking her. How I ever got involved with someone of that character is beyond me.
Outside, I cried for a while and inhaled one last drag from my cigarette. I took the candlestick that was in my right hand, and I threw it as far as I could into the forest behind the yard. It felt as if my heart leapt out of my body and went flying along with it.
That Wonderful Horrible Bra
That bra, that wonderful horrible bra, saved my life. I find it funny how here in my life, God used an inanimate object to get my attention, and so many people think they are beyond hope of God’s use! God can use anyone or anything! Finding it, and having to face the fact that no matter what I did right or wrong, Y was never going to love me or respect me, was haunting. I cannot imagine what my life would be like today if I had not found that bra! Jesus had saved my soul as a child, and that pink push-up bra saved my life as an adult. It woke me up from a delusion of self-righteousness and personal elitism, to a reality that I was totally human and capable of being hurt. I had made a life out of ignoring all reality until my trials eventually would disappear, trying to make-believe my own destiny. Until I found that bra, I was living life via “ignorance-is-bliss”.
In that moment of brutal confrontation, all I could think to do was to stop and pray. Just like an animal caught in a bear trap will “yelp” until it is rescued, I too was caught in a trap. Praying to God was what came out of me. As I prayed to God for deliverance, the act of throwing the sunflower candlestick as far as I could throw it ended up being symbolic. Symbolically I used the toss to show the Lord that I was done. I was done with chasing men, I was done with stuff, and I was done trying to make things happen my own way. – Wholehearted, pages 25-28
RELIVING OUR PASTS
Reliving moments of our past is never easy, writing about and publishing them is even harder. Having your parents, Grandparents and husband read about your past is harder even still. However, understanding that men and women who I do not know, who I LONG to know could be reading my testimony and could benefit from it, well that makes all the sleepless nights worth it all! God is GOOD my friends, and He loves us VERY much! Retelling these moments in my life have brought tremendous healing and power to me as an adult. What is self-assertion worth? A LOT! God wants us to KNOW WHO WE ARE and WHY WE ARE HERE, and if you allow Him to speak directly to you- He WILL, and He will give you a Word as the Brittish say… to boot!
My prayer for you today would be that you could begin to understand that it is NEVER too late to share a word with others or to go after the dream of your heart. What is so different about you now than when you dreamed as a child? You are MORE capable now, MORE passionate now, you have MORE strength than ever and you are MORE man or woman than you have ever been before! YOU ARE WHOLE, you have GOD YOU HAVE EVERYTHING! Don’t quit friends, never stop dreaming! If you think to pray for me- pray in agreement with me that this book will be finished in its final edit by the 28th of May, and that once it is printed and published- it will do what it was meant to do, show men and women that they TOO can be healed from the inside-out, as God is NO respecter of persons!
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